Singing???

So, this "I want to be joyful" thing - it's pretty darn amazing! I just keep saying it over and over again, and you know what? It's working! Any time in the last 2 days that I have started to get frustrated, or mad over something silly, I was able to stop and say "I want to be joyful", and pray just a quick simple prayer "God, please help me see the joy in this situation", and poof, I calmed down and moved on. I can't tell you how wonderful this is when dealing with those "pre-school moments" i have with our little lady! Sure, there have been some things in the last 2 days that i just don't get, and that simply make me angry. Even still, I am now able to stop and pray about these things, and while I may still be sad or angry, I felt this calmness that God will take care of it.

I have not perfected being joyful, but I'm working on it!

Today, when I would typically be in a frenzy because I was having a houseful of company to celebrate my Mom's birthday, I found myself dancing and SINGING in my kitchen with my four year old! Now, I will sing to the radio, but I never quite get as into it as I found myself today! And I just didn't care that company would be arriving in 15 minutes and we still didn't have everything perfect! I was joyful! Oh, let me tell you, my little girl had fun, and so did I! We also discovered that our little bean discovered how to really laugh out loud today (at 6 months old!), so this made us just keep going!
I will also tell you that this was the first time that I have had company where things just seemed to flow. I had no stress, no pressure, it was just plain fun. I know, I know. DUH! I'm a little slow to accept what I know is true. I finally let it go, and just let God run the day. And, much to my amazement, it worked! Go figure! Now, the real trick will be to see if I can keep it up!
I'll try to give an update next week!

Make a Joyful Noise...

I want to be joyful. I just spent an amazing few hours with a wonderful friend, and right now, I should be snuggled in my bed, the feeling of cheesecake warming my belly, drifting off to dreamland, but instead, I want to be joyful. Oh, I was actually in my bed, but I was not snuggly. I was restless. I felt like I had not completed my night. Had I missed something I was supposed to gain from this precious time, had I not listened as well as I thought I had? No, I did, and I plan to take each bit of advice I was given and use it. Ok, so what? Why can't I fall asleep? I have to be up SOOOON. I need to sleep. I want to be joyful. Right, so you want to be joyful, good, now close your eyes and joyfully go to sleep. I want to be joyful. Joyful is not going to happen unless I go to sleep. No, I want to be joyful. Get out of your bed, and pray. Pray for joy. And so, I prayed a simple prayer.
" Jesus, please show me how to be joyful. Help me to be joyful to honor you. Amen."
Back into bed. Snuggly, warm, sleepy...eyes pop open. I want to be joyful! I want to be joyful! I WANT TO BE JOYFUL!!!

The dictionary definition of joyful is:

joyful

1.	full of joy, as a person or one's heart; glad; delighted.

2.	showing or expressing joy, as looks, actions, or speech.

3.	causing or bringing joy, as an event, a sight, or news; delightful: the joyful announcement of their marriage.

I want to be joyful. I can honestly say that I have never thought about simply being joyful before. I don't know why. Perhaps because I tend to have a kind of Eeyore outlook on life. I could make a mile long list of the things that are NOT joyful in my life. BUT, I want to be joyful. What brings me joy?

My husband brings me joy. He is my best friend, my support, he makes me laugh, he respects me, he's so many joyful things for me.

My girls bring me joy. They are silly, innocent, active, unconditionally loving, and joyful!

My parents bring me joy. They love me for me, they respect me, they love my husband, they love my girls, they are supportive, and we have fun!

My friends bring me joy. I have the most amazing friends! They are my network, they are my confidants, they put me in my place when I need to put in it. They love me for me.

My God brings me joy. He loves me unconditionally.

So why am I just now declaring that I want to be joyful? Here is where the doubt and guilt try to creep in. Should I be joyful right now? After all, this has certainly been a year that could kill any kind of joy I might have had. Do I have the right to be joyful right now? Shouldn't I still be harboring my grief, and anger and wonder over my brother? Is it ok for me to be joyful when I see my parents who are certainly still in a state of strong grief and bewilderment? Don't get me wrong, I am grieving. I will grieve for my brother for a long time. I love him, and I miss him, and I truly don't know when I will get to a point where it doesn't put a knot in my stomach to think about it. At the same time, I want to be joyful. I don't want to be in a constant state of "well, I'm hanging in there, but it's still so hard". I know it will be hard, and part of me welcomes that in a strange way. I fell almost a loyalty to Jon for this to still be hard for me to deal with. I want to be joyful. I wasn't joyful before my brother died either. I was a miserable grouch, just like I was until tonight. I want to be joyful. I need to be joyful. How wonderful would my days be if I could find even one thing to say "Hey, that makes me joyful"!

I will be joyful.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

2008 begins...

I have a particularly challenging four year old, to say the least. She is extremely bright, and often succeeds in outsmarting her parents to the point that we are completely speechless - hard to do if you know us! She can be completely exasperating, and push us to the point where we literally need to walk out of the house to keep from going completely ballistic. On the other hand, she has a sweet, caring, nurturing, and really funny silly part of her, that thankfully far outweighs those trying times. Well, our poor little lady is sick. Just a nasty cold, accompanied by a pretty decent fever, but it was enough to keep her in her bed ALL day today. It's days like this that truly make me appreciate the over active preschool behaviors! All day we worried. We worried to the point that we were annoying her! So, when she finally came stumbling out of bed around 6 pm tonight, we were ecstatic to see her! (Of course, we did look at each other with that "uh-oh, now she'll be up all night expression, but it only lasted for a brief moment!) This tired, stuffy nosed little girl's only concern was her baby sister. As hoarse as she is, she pulled her little chair up next to the baby's exersaucer, put on the headphone to her little mp3 player, and sat singing (nothing other than Hanna Montana, naturally) to her baby sister for a good half hour. Now, the littlest lady was in absolute glory! She whined and carried on most of the day because she LOVES her big sister, and would prefer to have her undivided attention every moment she is awake! When our little lady just couldn't sing anymore, she sweetly told the baby "I have to take a break now, but don't worry, I'll come back".
These are the moments when I wish I could bottle that patience and use it when we are having one of those "preschool moments". One of my "8 in 2008" was to have more patience. I adore my girls. I adore my husband. I also have a very short fuse. I admit this freely, and often. I also spend an awful lot of time apologizing for losing my temper. So, if I know this, and I regret the decisions I make after the fact, what keeps me from being able to stop before I get to the breaking point? (This is actually a question, I really don't know the answer, so any advice will gladly be taken!)
I'm currently working through a devotional by Lysa TerKeurst titled "The Bathtub is Overflowing, but I Feel Drained". (Forgive me if I am not grammatically correct in how I quote things, I'm still learning, and have lost my Practical Stylist book!!!) I've just started it, but I am truly hoping that this will help me to uncover some things about myself. This fuse is not just short at home. I tend to have a short fuse at work, or in a store, or wherever I may be that things don't go the way I want them to. I'm just not so vocal about it unless I'm home!
There is one particular quote from this book that jumped right out at me: "if I can change the way I think about something, I can change the way I react to it. If I change the way I react, I can change the way I define myself as a mother." (p. 11) This is a quote I am taking to heart. I plan to post it where I will see it often.
That said, perhaps I should add a 9th goal to my "8 in 2008". To change the way I react in a "preschool moment".

I know I am a little late, but I really want to do this! So, here we go! To find out the whole story behind this challenge, please click on the button! It will bring you to Extravagant Grace (and I am a little slow about how to get you there from within my typing, but I'll figure it out soon!!!

So, here goes nothing, my list of 8 for 2008:

1. To make the time, no matter how hard it is for my quiet time each day, and to get through
the 4 devotionals that have been collecting dust on my nightstand!

2. To get to my goal weight by the time we go to Disney on March 8th! (Kinda funny, huh?) I
have 8 pounds to go, too!

3. To find and actually implement a workout plan that will help me to lose that 2 baby jiggle I've
got in my belly, not to mention the arms and thighs!

4. To have the patience with my girls that Jesus has with us.

5. To get my papers all sorted, filed, tossed, and organized! This is forever a challenge for me! I
love office supplies, so you'd think it would be easy, but I am a pack rat, and it is completely
out of control!

6. To stick to the budget that my hubby and I have come up with to get our debt paid off! I
hate budgets!

7. To learn how to play again.

8. To get my basement cleaned out and set up for all the scrap booking that needs to be caught
up on. We need a safe place for the girls to play down there so that scrapbooking can be done
during normal waking hours!!!

I am so looking forward to this! I can't wait to check in on February 8th to see how everyone is doing! I'll be anxious to see how I am doing too!

ReGrouping

Well, it's pretty obvious that I took some time off from writing. I was angry. Plain and simple, I was angry and i just didn't want to unleash that beast here before I took some time to work through it. Christmas is posing to be a bit of a challenge for me this year. Go figure. I am flip flopping between not wanting any part of all of the "holiday cheer" to completely over doing it when I realize how excited my little lady gets when she sees the pretty lights, or hangs an ornament on the tree. I have been collapsing at night after getting through a day pretending that it's all ok. I have been short with my ever so patient husband because I was angry at my parents. I was angry at my parents because I put the pressure on myself that I needed to be the one to take care of them and make sure everything went without a hitch for them this year. I got really angry at Jon for leaving us and for all the pressure it has caused me to put on myself. Not to mention how much I miss him. So, how did I work through it?
I simply did what I do best, but there were a few twists this time. I typically pick up the phone and call Michelle, followed by a list of "the girls" and I cry and I vent and then I feel better. Oh, I did that. And I thank you all for listening to me and for helping to carry me through yet another needy moment! BUT, this time, before I picked up that phone, I prayed. I prayed that our God would put peace in my heart and take the anger away. Then, I went and talked to my husband about it.
This is something that I have had to work very hard at. My initial response is always to pick up the phone. It's what I have always done. Well, Rob brought that to my attention not too long ago. He said to me "Why can't you talk to me about what's bothering you?". I didn't have an answer other than "I do, but this is how I deal." It bothered me though. And I decided that since my husband is my best friend, I should be going to him first! DUH! I thought it would be easy, but I have actually had to make a conscious effort to go to him first. (The upside is that it has also caused me to stop and pray before I do anything!)
So, we talked, I cried, got angry and sad, and you know what? I felt a whole lot better after that! I will still pick up the phone, but now I know that the order I do things in is pretty important. If I pray first, God just opens me up to be able to share the parts of me that my husband wants to see. I guess I felt like he just wouldn't want to deal with it, but now I know that he does, and he does it willingly and unconditionally. Also, while I still feel the need to share these things with all of you who have been my support system for so long, at least now I can share those things, but not be so negative because I give myself time to sort through it first!
Alright, this is a pretty random post, and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but you all know that's just who I am! Love you all!

The Prodigal Son

Saturday brought with it a break in the weather. It was still pretty chilly for March, but the ice was beginning to melt, and the sun was trying to make it's way through. It was with a particularly heavy heart that I got up that morning. I knew this would be the last day to gather with everyone to say goodbye to Jon. Part of me just wanted it to be over, but part of me felt that if we could just keep doing things, we could not forget. I know now, that yes, some people will forget, and that is ok. I also know that those people who will never forget are the people who always have and always will stand by us.
Suicide is a tricky thing when it comes to a funeral service. Some people think it is simply a selfish act by the person, some people think that there was some serious mental illness, and some people just don't know what to think! It can be difficult to try and decipher what needs to be said as a way of goodbye. I asked Pastor M to do the service for us. He didn't know Jon other than what I had told him. He met him once, at my wedding. He did an amazing service. He was able to bring some serious understanding to me, and I think he reached quite a few people that Saturday. He told the story of the Prodigal Son. Now, without going through the sermon word for word - but I probably could - the message I got from this sermon was this: Jon is not alone. He is like the Prodigal Son, now kneeling at the feet of God, and being embraced by our heavenly Father. All of the troubles, and terrible things in his life have been forgiven. He did not know how else to deal with the things he was going through, and when it became too much for his human body and brain to handle, he was embraced by God.
What a comfort this brought to me! This sermon, and this comparison is the thing I am holding onto like a baby to their "blankie" right now. I need to believe that Jon has been embraced by the arms of Jesus, and that his hurting has ceased.
Most of you reading this knew Jon as well as I did. I love you all for that more than you could know! I truly believe that he tried so hard to do the right things. He just couldn't do it. I have tried so hard myself to figure out what made him choose some of the things he did, but I can't figure it out for sure. Depression? Yes, I think so. Addiction? Definitely. Caused by the depression? Maybe. Could it have been inherited? I haven't done enough research to know if that's possible. He was a man (sounds weird to say that, but he was a man, even though I still think of him as a boy!) who was deeply hurting, and he had his mind made up. He felt that he could simply not go on living the life he was living. I will not know what the last straw was, I can only guess, until I can ask him face to face. I wait earnestly for that day to come. I have many things left to do here, but when God decides it is my day, i think I might just dance on up there!

And so, one part of my journey is complete. I have told my version of this story. Oh, there is still so much more to tell. Now, I can begin the rest of my journey from the present. The past will still be here, and it will not be forgotten, but I think that now that I have it here, so I can go back to it when I want to, I can let it go a little bit. It's hard for me to say that. I don't mean to let it go like I will "get over it", I am just hoping that it may get a bit easier now...

I think this would count, and I really can't wait to share it!

This is going to be an extremely difficult Thanksgiving for my family. We toyed for a brief moment about not doing it, but we realize that we must keep going. Jon would want it that way. We are going to my parents house, and although my mom wants to cook and be a busy little bee, there are some things that she just can't do this year. Usually, there would be a tray of baked ziti because Jon did not eat turkey! (Or any of the YUMMY things that go with it!) So, he'd eat his ziti, and cornbread. I know, weird! She also could not bring herself to buy the little blue box of Jiffy corn muffin mix. We all agreed we needed to have it, so I was elected to do it. I volunteered, really. I need to do something to ease the burden, so I figured I'd conquer that fear and get it over with. Oh, there are still things I can't buy - pop tarts and pizza rolls. Those two things were always on hand in case Jon was around and hungry! Can't even touch them now.
So, I went to the grocery store, much against my will, on my way home yesterday. I plowed through my list, nicely avoiding the corn muffin mix. When I had finally gotten everything on my list, I took a deep breath and went for it. I prayed all the way down the aisle. When I got there, I stopped, and with a tear in my eye, I actually laughed! Just seeing the box reminded me of how silly I always thought it was that the boy who hated anything to do with cooking would faithfully make his corn muffins every week. He always did look silly to me when he was in the kitchen. I laughed, and I thanked my God for helping me find a wonderful memory from something I was so afraid to do!
That wasn't my real EG Moment though. When I was walking out of the store, there was a lady, with beautiful white & silver hair standing just outside. I slowed my pace, not sure if she was waiting for someone, or if she had maybe forgotten where her car was (Had that experience once before!). As I got closer to her, she turned and faced me and I simply smiled, still not sure why this sweet woman was just standing there in the cold. Well, she looked me right in the eye and said, you will have a wonderful holiday, and enjoy your cooking! I hope that I didn't look as shocked as I felt for that split second! I thanked her, and told her I hoped hers would be just as happy. I walked to my car with a much lighter heart as I went home to set about my "cooking" preparations.
Thank you, Jesus, for putting some angels here for us!