Well, it's pretty obvious that I took some time off from writing. I was angry. Plain and simple, I was angry and i just didn't want to unleash that beast here before I took some time to work through it. Christmas is posing to be a bit of a challenge for me this year. Go figure. I am flip flopping between not wanting any part of all of the "holiday cheer" to completely over doing it when I realize how excited my little lady gets when she sees the pretty lights, or hangs an ornament on the tree. I have been collapsing at night after getting through a day pretending that it's all ok. I have been short with my ever so patient husband because I was angry at my parents. I was angry at my parents because I put the pressure on myself that I needed to be the one to take care of them and make sure everything went without a hitch for them this year. I got really angry at Jon for leaving us and for all the pressure it has caused me to put on myself. Not to mention how much I miss him. So, how did I work through it?
I simply did what I do best, but there were a few twists this time. I typically pick up the phone and call Michelle, followed by a list of "the girls" and I cry and I vent and then I feel better. Oh, I did that. And I thank you all for listening to me and for helping to carry me through yet another needy moment! BUT, this time, before I picked up that phone, I prayed. I prayed that our God would put peace in my heart and take the anger away. Then, I went and talked to my husband about it.
This is something that I have had to work very hard at. My initial response is always to pick up the phone. It's what I have always done. Well, Rob brought that to my attention not too long ago. He said to me "Why can't you talk to me about what's bothering you?". I didn't have an answer other than "I do, but this is how I deal." It bothered me though. And I decided that since my husband is my best friend, I should be going to him first! DUH! I thought it would be easy, but I have actually had to make a conscious effort to go to him first. (The upside is that it has also caused me to stop and pray before I do anything!)
So, we talked, I cried, got angry and sad, and you know what? I felt a whole lot better after that! I will still pick up the phone, but now I know that the order I do things in is pretty important. If I pray first, God just opens me up to be able to share the parts of me that my husband wants to see. I guess I felt like he just wouldn't want to deal with it, but now I know that he does, and he does it willingly and unconditionally. Also, while I still feel the need to share these things with all of you who have been my support system for so long, at least now I can share those things, but not be so negative because I give myself time to sort through it first!
Alright, this is a pretty random post, and probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but you all know that's just who I am! Love you all!