" Jesus, please show me how to be joyful. Help me to be joyful to honor you. Amen."
Back into bed. Snuggly, warm, sleepy...eyes pop open. I want to be joyful! I want to be joyful! I WANT TO BE JOYFUL!!!
The dictionary definition of joyful is:
|1.||full of joy, as a person or one's heart; glad; delighted.|
|2.||showing or expressing joy, as looks, actions, or speech.|
|3.||causing or bringing joy, as an event, a sight, or news; delightful: the joyful announcement of their marriage.|
I want to be joyful. I can honestly say that I have never thought about simply being joyful before. I don't know why. Perhaps because I tend to have a kind of Eeyore outlook on life. I could make a mile long list of the things that are NOT joyful in my life. BUT, I want to be joyful. What brings me joy?
My husband brings me joy. He is my best friend, my support, he makes me laugh, he respects me, he's so many joyful things for me.
My girls bring me joy. They are silly, innocent, active, unconditionally loving, and joyful!
My parents bring me joy. They love me for me, they respect me, they love my husband, they love my girls, they are supportive, and we have fun!
My friends bring me joy. I have the most amazing friends! They are my network, they are my confidants, they put me in my place when I need to put in it. They love me for me.
My God brings me joy. He loves me unconditionally.
So why am I just now declaring that I want to be joyful? Here is where the doubt and guilt try to creep in. Should I be joyful right now? After all, this has certainly been a year that could kill any kind of joy I might have had. Do I have the right to be joyful right now? Shouldn't I still be harboring my grief, and anger and wonder over my brother? Is it ok for me to be joyful when I see my parents who are certainly still in a state of strong grief and bewilderment? Don't get me wrong, I am grieving. I will grieve for my brother for a long time. I love him, and I miss him, and I truly don't know when I will get to a point where it doesn't put a knot in my stomach to think about it. At the same time, I want to be joyful. I don't want to be in a constant state of "well, I'm hanging in there, but it's still so hard". I know it will be hard, and part of me welcomes that in a strange way. I fell almost a loyalty to Jon for this to still be hard for me to deal with. I want to be joyful. I wasn't joyful before my brother died either. I was a miserable grouch, just like I was until tonight. I want to be joyful. I need to be joyful. How wonderful would my days be if I could find even one thing to say "Hey, that makes me joyful"!
I will be joyful.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.