Thursday, November 15, 2007

Finally Home...


We made it to my parents house. No one spoke, we just went inside. We soon had much company. My Aunt came over, and Mr. & Mrs. B (friends from down the street - my brother practically lived at their house, their son is his best friend. And C, who was with him at his apartment as early as that morning is his sister.) Everyone was trying to make me sit. I don't want to sit. I need to make phone calls. I have to get as many people to my parents as I can. So, I begin the task. I call Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and friends. No one can believe it. No one knows what to say. Well, what do you say? I mean, no one is ever expecting a call like that! I can't reach some of the people that I desperately need to reach. I can't leave a message. I just keep calling. I call some that I have already spoken too. I could recount each and every conversation, but really, we'd be here all year if I did that! I couldn't cry. It just wouldn't come. This bothered me to no end. Why wouldn't it come? Did I not care? Of course I cared, but I guess I still needed to be in control. My parents needed me to be in control. I would remain in control. This is where I must tell you that I have the most amazing friends in the world. God has blessed me with people who, no matter what, always stand with me. S, thank you for coming so quickly. J, you don't know what it means to me that you came home from vacation for me. And to all of you, (I'd love to list you all, but that would be confusing with so many letters! You know who you are!), who dropped everything, and traveled from all over to get to us, I can't put into words what that means. You traveled through horrible ice storms, and still made it to us. You traveled with small children, and on virtually no sleep, but you were here. And, E, you were wonderful. I can't thank you enough for all you did for us. Contacting the church, and Pastor M, arranging meals, praying with me. And simply being there for me. And, you all still are. I love you guys. My family extends far beyond blood. Christ has given me the most amazing brothers and sisters! And my parents friends, who of course I feel just as close to, they came too. From all over the place. It was truly amazing.
"eat, please eat, and put your feet up", those were the words I heard over and over for the rest of the day. "I'm ok, I'm not hungry". How could I eat? Are you kidding? I need to get out of here, I need some air! Finally, when the last person left, my husband, and S & J (two of my amazing entourage) decided I needed to get home. Little lady was going to have a sleepover with her cousins, so we went home. It happened. I walked through my door, into little ladies bedroom, sat on her bed, and the floodgates opened. I think I cried for at least an hour. S just sat and held me. Thank you. They put me to bed, where I must have slept for a while because the next thing I kne it was 3am. I just laid there with my eyes open for a while. If I shut them, I saw it all again. Finally, I got up and wandered around. I tried not to wake my husband, he was just as exhausted as I was, plus he was worrying about me. Finally, it was time to call & say that he was going to get Little Lady so we could take her to school. I wanted her to keep her routine. Of course, in the back of my mind I knew I was doing that more for me than her. So, we got her dressed and took her to school so we could go to my parents for a while. "are you sure you want to go in?", my husband asked me when we got to church (where Little Lady goes to pre-school). I needed to go in, I didn't know why until I got there, but I felt the need to go in. I never made it past the lobby. There's definitely something to be said about a prayer chain! And how wonderful God is. Pastor M was just coming down the stairs, and E, you walked in the door at the most perfect moment. It was what I needed. I needed that strength, and to get some of my emotion out before we went to my parents. Thank you! (I know, and I'm struggling with my faith right now?)
We went to my parents, and decided that we would go to the funeral home at 2:00. I had a Dr. appointment earlier - I don't think I needed to go, but you just do what you're told in that situation! So, I went to the Dr., Hubby got Little Lady from school, and we met back at my parents. Oh, what joy my Little one was able to bring to her Grandma and Papa! In the midst of all the grief, she was just a shining little star. She stayed with my Aunt while we went to the funeral home. I asked Pastor M to meet us there. I don't know why, but I felt like we needed him there. And, he came without any hesitation. We made the arrangements. There would be no casket. He would be cremated. However, the owner of the funeral home is an old family friend. Knowing that my mom & I had found my brother, he did not want us to have to remember that as the last time we saw him. So, he spoke to my hubby and my dad and told them that when they brought my brother in, he was going to see if he could fix things so we could have a final private viewing. Just the four of us. No, no, no. That's what I said to that. I did not want to see him. I couldn't. I panicked. "Just know it will be an option if you change your mind. It's ok if you don't." Sure...
We went back to my parents house. This is where things get just a little fuzzy. We weren't doing anything until Friday, but we had pictures to arrange, and flowers to order, and people were already starting to arrive. Oh, and that private viewing was set for Thursday morning. I remember all of you getting there, but I can't remember what days it happened. We spent a lot of time opening fruit baskets, and going through pictures. Bec & Sta, thank you for basically doing all the picture boards for me! (Sorry, I can't do the letter thing anymore, it's confusing me!) We were so blessed and felt so much love & compassion during those days. We are still so enveloped in it now. Thank you all...

1 comment:

Elisa @ Extravagant Grace said...

What's amazing to me...all the little miracles. Even though I am overwhelmed with sadness for your pain, I am awed that the hand of God has not left you for one single moment. Reach out and grab it. Do that, girl. Grab His hand!