One Last Time...

I laid awake all of Wednesday night knowing what Thursday would bring. We were supposed to see Jon one last time. I just didn't think I could do it. I felt sick, I couldn't breathe. Some people told me it was ok not too. Others told me I needed to do it. At the time, most importantly to me, my parents wanted me to do it. So, we went. I let them go in first. I gave them some time, not necessarily because I was thinking of them, but because I was stalling. The director told me it was ok. You couldn't even tell. They did a phenomenal job, and the wound was very small. It was our turn. I literally dragged my feet to the doorway. I closed my eyes, and my husband held on to me tight. I took a deep breath, and in we wnt. I did not look at first. I kept my eyes on my feet. When got about 10 feet away, i looked up. There he was. I could see it. It didn't matter how small it was. I knew where it was and I could see it as if they had done nothing to hide it. I panicked. I felt my legs turn rubbery. "Sit, just sit, it will be ok" my husband said. I could not sit. That would mean I would be stuck in that room. I made myself go just a little bit closer, but I couldn't do anymore. Mr. B (also happened to work at the funeral home) had to help my husband get me out of the room. As soon as I was able to regain some sort of control, I was completely mortified at my behavior. I felt horrible for having reacted that way i front of my parents. They had enough to deal with. They didn't need to be worrying about me. Mr. B had asked if it would be ok if Ca came to see him. "Of course", was the unanimous answer he got form us all! Looking back, I wish I had thought enough to stay to be with her.
Then we went back to my parents house. It was a full house. Everyone had started arriving, and there was not a quiet place to go. Oh, and I know that everyone meant well, but I just wanted to get away from "Did you eat?" and "You should have your feet up". I know I was pregnant, but I was not sick! I needed to just do what I had to do! My Aunt & Uncle and cousins had come from upstate,and we decided that the kids (Ha, their not much younger than us!) would stay at our house. I so needed that. My Aunts and Grandma had arrived all the way from Texas - and they drove! Florida, Maryland, Massachusetts, Georgia, Vermont, and probably a few other places I can't quite think of right now. Everyone came for us. Jon had a lot of other siblings besides me! Every one of you accepted him just as wholeheartedly as you did me. It means the world to me.
I didn't get much sleep Thursday night again, and woke up to ice everywhere on Friday...